SNL Celebrity Jeopardy: The Dark Knight Style
by LilyRosette
Summary: The villains from The Dark Knight make a special appearance on SNL's Celebrity Jeopardy. Featuring of course, Alex Trebek and Sean Connery. Originally a one shot, but I've decided to add more.
1. Scarecrow, The Joker, and Sean Connery

Alex Trebek: Welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy. Once again I offer my sincerest apologies to those with a weak stomach for what happened before the commercial break. That being said let's take a look at the scores. In last place we have The Joker with an astonishing negative 600 points.

The Joker: You can wear that smug look on your face all you like, Trebek, but you and I both know that when the cameras turn off and you go home at the end of the day you're just a sad, lonely man with nothing to look forward to but filming this pathetic little show.

Trebek: Fantastic. And in second place we have Jonathan Crane with negative one hundred points.

Crane: Would you like to see my mask? I use it in my experiments.

Trebek: No I would not. And finally we have Sean Connery in the lead with zero points.

Sean Connery: I have a little joke for you, Trebek. A riddle if you will.

Trebek: I really don't want to hear it.

Connery: What's the difference between three penises and a joke?

Trebek: What?

Connery: Your mother can't take a joke (laughs obnoxiously.)

Trebek: I should have seen that coming.

Connery: I saw your mother coming last night.

Trebek: That is extremely inappropriate. Better luck to all of you in the next round. Let's take a look at the board. And the categories are…Potent Potables; Famous Cats; Days of the week; Circus Animals; Shows that end in Oony Toons; Animals that go "moo"; and Famous Villains. Mr. Connery, you are in the lead so unfortunately you have control of the board. Please pick a category.

Connery: Alas, I reign supreme. I'll take famous pussies for 400.

Trebek: That's CATS, Mr. Connery. Famous CATS. And the answer is: this cat is known for hating Mondays, loving lasagna and is the main character in "Garfield." Garfield. The answer is literally in the name.

*Connery buzzes in *

Trebek: Yes, Mr. Connery?

Connery: Kim Kardashian.

Trebek: That is completely incorrect. Mr. Crane why don't you pick a category?

Crane: I'll take uh, famous villains for 800.

Trebek: Famous villains for 800. And the answer is: this villain, known for his role in "Batman Begins" is a doctor at Arkham Assylum who invents a fear gas. Mr. Crane if you don't get this right, god help you.

*Crane buzzes in *

Crane: (wearing his mask) The doctor isn't in right now. But if you'd like to make an appointment…

Trebek: (sighs) That is incorrect. And where did you get that mask? Didn't we take that away from him?

*The Joker buzzes in *

Trebek: Mr. Joker?

Joker: Do you want to know how I got these scars?

Trebek: Not particularly.

Joker: My father was a drinker. And a fiend-

Trebek: Fascinating. Mr. Joker has proven incapable of picking a category so I will pick for him. Let's go with "animals that go 'moo'" for 200. And the answer is: this animal is a cow. All you have to do is say the word "cow" and you'll be correct.

*Joker buzzes in *

Trebek: Yes?

Joker: Why so serious, Trebek?

Trebek: Because they won't let me quit this job. You know what why don't we just skip to final jeopardy? The category is: Food. All you have to do is write down a type of food. Or you could even draw a picture if words are too complicated. As long as it's a type of food. This could be a hamburger, or an apple, or even a cookie. (end beep) And let's see what kind of mess you've managed to make of this one, shall we? Mr. Crane wrote: Scarecrow. Interestingly enough, scarecrow is not a type of food. And you wagered…(sighs) Scarecrow. Moving on to Mr. Joker who wrote…nothing because he threw his pen across the studio and managed to stab an audience member in the eye. Impressive aim, but unfortunately not a correct answer. An ambulance is on its way. And finally Mr. Connery. You wrote…good lord you wrote "nuts." That's absolutely correct! Let's see what you wagered. "Suck mine, Trebek." That's just unnecessary.

Connery: That's not what your mother said last night.

Trebek: My mother is ninety five years old and completely senile!

Connery: Maybe so but she sure seemed to know what she was doing with-

Trebek: And that's all the time we have. I'm going to go home, curl up in the fetal position and rock back and forth repeatedly. Good night.


	2. Two Face, Bane, and Sean Connery

***Due to a request, I have decided to write another installment of The Dark Knight Celebrity Jeopardy. This time Bane and Two Face are here. Find out what happens.* **

Alex Trebek: Welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy. I honestly do not know what I did to deserve this. Let's just take a look at the scores. In last place we have Harvey Dent or "Two Face" as he has insisted on being called with a record breaking negative 1200 points.

Two Face: Do you have a wife, Trebek?

Trebek: What does that have to do with anything?

Two Face: Did you ever wonder what it would be like to listen to her die?

Trebek: Please seek help. And anyone who watches this show undoubtedly hears me die a little more inside each time. In second place we have Bane with negative 800 points.

Bane: I AM the League of Shadows, and I am here to fulfill Ra's al Ghul's destiny!

Trebek: Wonderful. And finally Sean Connery is here. Again.

Connery: I wouldn't miss this for the world, Trebek yeh poofter.

Trebek: Thank you. Better luck to all of you in the next round. And it's time for Double Jeopardy.

Connery: To hell with you and your Double Jeopardy!

Trebek: Very nice. And the categories are…Potent Potables; Cupcakes; The Alphabet; Penn Station; Famous Comedians; The Color Green; and finally When Is Your Birthday? Mr. Dent you are in last place so let's start with you.

Two Face: It's not Dent.

Trebek: My apologies. Two Face, which category do you want?

Two Face: It's not about what I want. It's about what's fair.

Trebek: Okay then… Mr. Bane why don't you pick?

Bane: I wonder what will break first, Trebek? Your spirit or your body?

Trebek: My spirit has already been irreparably broken, to answer your question . (sighs) Mr. Connery…

Connery: Ah! Challenge accepted. I'll take Penetration for 600.

Trebek: It's not Penetration, Mr. Connery.

Connery: That's not what your mother said last night. (cackles.)

Trebek: (sighs) Why don't we just do The Color Green for 200? And the answer is: This is the color of grass.

*Two Face buzzes in *

Trebek: Yes, Mr. Two Face?

Two Face: (takes out a coin) You live… (flips the coin over) …you die.

Trebek: As much as I would love for you to put me out of my misery, that is incorrect.

*Bane buzzes in*

Trebek: Yes, Mr. Bane?

Bane: Black.

Trebek: Wrong! Good lord the answer was green. The grass is GREEN!

Bane: Perhaps to you. But to me everything has always been black. I grew up never seeing the light. The darkness is my ally. And it will defeat you.

Trebek: Lovely. Alright, Mr. Connery the board is still yours.

Connery: I'll best you once and for all, Trebek. I'll take famous Comedians for 800.

Trebek: And the answer is: This Comedian was the star of "The Cosby show." The COSBY show.

*Connery buzzes in*

Connery: Dixie Normous.

Trebek: What? No! Whose Dixie Normous?

Connery: Certainly not yours! (laughs obnoxiously)

Trebek: Wow.

*Two Face buzzes in*

Trebek: Yes?

Two Face: Rachel! Rachel!

Trebek: (shakes head) Let's just move on. Mr. Bane would you PLEASE pick a category?

Connery: (whispering) Pick "Penetration"

Bane: Very well. Penetration.

Trebek: (at a loss for words) It's not-you know what why don't we just skip to Final Jeopardy? The category is "Things You Enjoy". Just write down anything you enjoy. Literally anything. This could be "flipping coins" or "shooting people" or "making Alex Trebek's life a living hell." And time's up. Let's see what you wrote. Two Face, you put down…Why? Why indeed. Mr. Bane you put down…and your podium is gone. How on earth did you manage that one?

A Voice Offstage: Help! Someone help me! I've been hit with a podium!

Trebek: Well, that answers my question. And finally Mr. Connery you put down...you put down "sex." As inappropriate as that is, it is technically a correct answer so let's see what you wagered…(sighs) with Trebek's mother.

(Connery laughs heartily.)

Trebek: It's getting old, Mr. Connery. Well that's it for celebrity jeopardy. I quit once and for all. Goodbye.


End file.
